On October 22, 2009, I turn 30 years old. Goodbye twenties, hello back-pain. To celebrate this milestone, I would like to look back on some truisms I’ve learned in the past three decades.
♦ Skipping stones will never get old.
♦ Cottage cheese is deceptively delicious.
♦ One you start playing with butterfly knives, it’s hard to stop.
♦ y=mx+b is as far as I’ll ever get in mathematics.
♦ Mom was right: I should have stuck with piano lessons.
♦ Un-plugging a toilet with a plunger is intensely satisfying.
♦ Women are awesome.
♦ The sound of a hammer hitting a nail will always make be blink.
♦ A sudden bright light will always make me sneeze.
♦ Whatever it was, that UFO I saw over the Ohio River was real, man.
♦ My parents are superhuman.
♦ Guacamole, green curry and Ethiopian cuisine were discovered late in life, but they were worth the wait.
♦ I would still play with Legos, if I had any around.
♦ Handguns are repulsive, but when one appears, I’m still compelled to hold it.
♦ Giant Eagle’s frozen margarita pizza is the best pizza there is.
♦ Sarongs are incredibly comfortable.
♦ Half the fun of sketching with charcoal is making a mess.
♦ I will never be able to waterski, despite my best efforts
♦ I have permission to have a one-night-stand with Claire Danes, should the opportunity present itself.
♦ Cats are cooler than dogs, but Oscar is cooler than most cats.
♦ Heat is a terrible movie. I don’t care what anybody says.
♦ I don’t watch football. I watch Steelers games.
♦ Crocs may be the most comfortable shoe, but they will always look absurd.
♦ We can debate Global Warming ’til the cows come home, but nobody is pro-pollution.
♦ Clipping my fingernails always feels like good luck.
♦ I’m glad I went through the “imaginary friend” phase. Even if Charlie the Robot left me on the moon, he was still a pretty decent guy.
♦ Violence is the first resort of the incompetent.
♦ No one can begrudge a Quaker. Except for Nixon. He was the only begrudgeable Quaker.
♦ Arabic is the finest calligraphy.
♦ I love being left-handed. Even though there are never any left-handed desks available.
♦ Wearing a tuxedo makes me feel at least one foot taller.
♦ A picture that speaks only a thousand words is a pretty lousy picture.
♦ Britney Spears is a lesson in schadenfreude.
♦ I would give up a kidney to meet Marco Polo. Although I would need a translator.
♦ No novel will ever surpass House of Leaves. After this book, all other novels are quaint.
♦ As eager as I was to move to Korea, I’m overjoyed that I met Ky instead. Besides, now we can see Seoul together.
♦ I wouldn’t mind being wealthy one day. A jacuzzi would be nice, too.
♦ Truth or Dare never turns out well.
♦ Don’t ponder your existence too much. If you spend all your time wondering why you’re here, you’ll forget to be here.
♦ Joe is still my favorite brother. Even if I had other brothers, he would still be my favorite.
♦ Baseball is more enjoyable to play than to watch.
♦ Grand Theft Auto is more fun to watch than to play.
♦ The sun rose today, and I was around to see it, and that’s enough.