Things I’ve Learned in the Past Thirty Years

In Uncategorized on October 21, 2009 at 5:16 pm

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On October 22, 2009, I turn 30 years old. Goodbye twenties, hello back-pain. To celebrate this milestone, I would like to look back on some truisms I’ve learned in the past three decades.

♦ Skipping stones will never get old.

♦ Cottage cheese is deceptively delicious.

♦ One you start playing with butterfly knives, it’s hard to stop.

♦ y=mx+b is as far as I’ll ever get in mathematics.

♦ Mom was right: I should have stuck with piano lessons.

♦ Un-plugging a toilet with a plunger is intensely satisfying.

♦ Women are awesome.

♦ The sound of a hammer hitting a nail will always make be blink.

♦ A sudden bright light will always make me sneeze.

♦ Whatever it was, that UFO I saw over the Ohio River was real, man.

♦ My parents are superhuman.

♦ Guacamole, green curry and Ethiopian cuisine were discovered late in life, but they were worth the wait.

♦ I would still play with Legos, if I had any around.

♦ Handguns are repulsive, but when one appears, I’m still compelled to hold it.

♦ Giant Eagle’s frozen margarita pizza is the best pizza there is.

♦ Sarongs are incredibly comfortable.

♦ Half the fun of sketching with charcoal is making a mess.

♦ I will never be able to waterski, despite my best efforts

♦ I have permission to have a one-night-stand with Claire Danes, should the opportunity present itself.

♦ Cats are cooler than dogs, but Oscar is cooler than most cats.

Heat is a terrible movie. I don’t care what anybody says.

♦ I don’t watch football. I watch Steelers games.

♦ Crocs may be the most comfortable shoe, but they will always look absurd.

♦ We can debate Global Warming ’til the cows come home, but nobody is pro-pollution.

♦ Clipping my fingernails always feels like good luck.

♦ I’m glad I went through the “imaginary friend” phase. Even if Charlie the Robot left me on the moon, he was still a pretty decent guy.

♦ Violence is the first resort of the incompetent.

♦ No one can begrudge a Quaker. Except for Nixon. He was the only begrudgeable Quaker.

♦ Arabic is the finest calligraphy.

♦ I love being left-handed. Even though there are never any left-handed desks available.

♦ Wearing a tuxedo makes me feel at least one foot taller.

♦ A picture that speaks only a thousand words is a pretty lousy picture.

♦ Britney Spears is a lesson in schadenfreude.

♦ I would give up a kidney to meet Marco Polo. Although I would need a translator.

♦ No novel will ever surpass House of Leaves. After this book, all other novels are quaint.

♦ As eager as I was to move to Korea, I’m overjoyed that I met Ky instead. Besides, now we can see Seoul together.

♦ I wouldn’t mind being wealthy one day. A jacuzzi would be nice, too.

♦ Truth or Dare never turns out well.

♦ Don’t ponder your existence too much. If you spend all your time wondering why you’re here, you’ll forget to be here.

♦ Joe is still my favorite brother. Even if I had other brothers, he would still be my favorite.

♦ Baseball is more enjoyable to play than to watch.

♦ Grand Theft Auto is more fun to watch than to play.

♦ The sun rose today, and I was around to see it, and that’s enough.

  1. BJ, I am so disappointed that you missed the opportunity to comment on Ky being your “Seoul-mate.”

    But I love this list anyway.

  2. Happy birthday! I too turned 30 this year and so far it’s been an awesome year. I hope yours turns out to be fabulous.

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